Sample Chapter

CHAPTER 5
“Wipe Your Butt!”


I awoke with the shower pouring water on me. While I was naked, a fat demon with long curly brown hair and a beard beat me over and over.

“Wipe your butt!” he yelled each time he pummeled me. There was nothing I could do. I was taking a shower in Hell. Nobody told me anything there. The demons drugged me and beat me repeatedly during my entire ordeal. I didn’t know how to fight back at the demons. Why was I in Hell? I was not a particularly bad person. However, the Roman Catholic Church teaches that suicide is a sin that sends you straight to eternal damnation.

A demon named Jonathan tormented me too. He looked like some sort of lesser demon. The demons with name badges tortured him too. They refused to let him smoke cigarettes. Apparently, smoking is not allowed in Hell. Jonathan had a crew cut and wore tight T-shirts to show off how much he worked out. He did ask me to help him sweep the dining area floor and wipe the dining tables

Still, Jonathan lost his mind when Janine, the big fat demon wouldn’t let him have a cigarette. Jonathan said to me, “Ken, do something about this!”

I walked up to the demon window and said to Janine, “Just let him have a cigarette.”

“No!” said Janine. Jonathan went berserk until the army of demons walked through the door to Hell and forced him into the room with no windows. They locked him in the room. Any of us souls of the damned who refused to obey the Devil’s orders would ultimately end up in the room with no windows. The demons freely tortured me as well as other damned souls.

One of them, Arturo spoke very little English. He knew how to ask me, “You hungry?” He loved to yell, “Medi-CA-tions!” Arturo changed his clothes all the time, but he especially like wearing T-shirts and denim shorts. He loved to sing in Spanish. I had at least one friend in Hell. Arturo was one of the few people who could make me laugh in that godforsaken place.

I saw people everywhere, and they were all laughing at me. A whole stadium full of people were laughing at me. Soon the whole world was laughing. Then every person who ever lived laughed at me. They knew all my terrible secrets and laughed at me. It was just another day in Hell.